En Route To The Cloud

In a desperate attempt to not lose readership, I'm going to head back to the shitty, scum covered roots of the blog and write like that illiterate twat that I was before I returned to the blog in January and post something I came up with in 2 minutes. I call this type of post ; 2 minute poop posts.

We are currently en route to the lesbian cloud and a rant is necessary to pass the time on this mighty voyage. And this seems the best thing to do because they're showing that crappy Julia Roberts - Richard Gere movie on the plane and I would rather take the plastic forks in the economy class meals and gouge my eyes out while screaming the lyrics to "Bohemian Rhapsody" rather than watch that movie.

Being owners of shitty computers, our only method of passing time is to go to our rich friends houses and play Halo on their huge TVs and multiple gaming systems. This doesn't make us bad people. My computer system can hardly run Hitman 2 and I can't even get to the 4th level. Bad Ideas' computer is also shitty but he has finished Hitman 2 so his life has now lost all purpose. Sad, aren't we?

Economy class is to put quite simply an opportunity to sympathize with bombers. More than wanting to please their imaginary friend called God, they were probably just more pissed off with the crap food. ( Yes I am hoping to get hate comments from this reminding me of the evil I am relating with). I luckily have the aisle seat so I can get up whenever I want. Bad Ideas has window seat so he can stare at the clouds outside and randomly yell at the ones he doesn't like. We have a fat Albanian women in the middle. Somehow she has managed to have her side lard cross over the seat divider and steal half my seat. Like I said, the movie on the plane isn't much distraction. They ran out of peanuts because the Albanian took 20. I'm wondering how the plane is still up in the air with this earthquake-causing fatass (check the footnote as well) on board.

This brings me to one of my favourite stories I like to tell. This did actually happen to me (That Guy) a couple years ago. It was when I went to Cuba. On the way back, I was spending a week in Paris with my dad. The Indians had refused him a visa because he was dissin' them at a UN conference so he was coming back to Dhaka via Bahrain while I would go to Delhi from Paris and then Dhaka. As I went to check-in the stupid French people told me ( in their stupid annoying accent) that the plane was overbooked. I asked what I'm supposed to do to get back home (I am 15 in this story). The conversation that ensued was like this

Stupid French person: "Well, we can send you to Mumbai and you take the plane to Delhi from there".

Me : " My Indian visa expired. I can't go into the domestic airport"

SFP : "You can take the plane from Mumbai to Hong Kong. Then come back to Delhi"

Me (staring disbelievingly) : "What?"

SFP : "Or the plane to Hong Kong stops in Delhi. You can get off there"

Me : " Alright whatever."

As soon as I say this, SWAT teams rush in to the terminal and start evacuations because they found a bomb. Only in France. So they take this "bomb" and BLOW IT UP on the runway. (It was just a piece of luggage somebody left while they went to the toilet). I run to the boarding gate. The person there is Indian- French. Bad combination. He says I'm too late. I say " Well there was a fucking bomb. Not really my fault". The guy seems sympathetic and says " Come with me. You can take the plane to Moscow and go to Delhi from there." I swear I'm not making this up.

Anyways, I went to Moscow. I had no winter clothes because I was coming from Cuba. And conveniently, it was -2 degrees in Moscow airport. After we land, they bring in heat sensors. Did I mention I had 102 degree fever and it was during Swine Flu craze? Well, I ran out of the plane like a crazy terrorist who needs the bathroom. Then froze for the next 3 hours before the plane to Delhi.

My hands hurt from typing this in a 2 minute limit. There was a few more points to the story that I can't be bothered to add. Comment or send me an email (email address is at the top of the blog right below the picture.) to hear the rest of it. Fat woman is trying to steal my dessert.

Acronyms and a Picture of a Leprechaun

Acronyms such as LOL and ROFL and LMAO and ROFLJACKOFFTOFALLOUTBOY have been menacing the internet's intellectuals since the beginning of social networking (Thank you, Mark Fuckerburg, you fucking gremlin prick) and the tween revolution. These intelligence lowering noises are like sparkly vampires who make you suck their cock instead of them sucking your blood, which is scarier unless you're gay in which case they force you to have sex with the opposite sex. The only sense the last sentence needs to make is that these abbreviations are bad. Keeping in mind the general public (YOU) are defined by their low intelligence, lets explain in simpler terms shall we. Lawlz dawg, diz shizz iz badz, yo. If youz iz not agreez, youz a poopie. Better?

So why is ROFLATEMYSOAP so bad? Well, don't you find it annoying when you say "hello" and the other person says "lol”. As soon as you see those three letters on your screen you know the conversation is doomed. No matter how much you try, unless you are on a perfectly intellectual par with the other person (meaning you're both dumbasses), efforts to resurrect the conversation will prove futile.

Nobody laughs at a knock knock joke unless they are mentally retarded or breathing pure Nitrogen Dioxide. So when I say “Knock knock" and you say "ROFLPISSYMYPANTS", you are obviously lying. A simple, expressionless "haha" would have sufficed. But alas, people have tiny brains and copy other tiny brained people leading to a vicious cycle of stupidity and falling for ill-constructed internet scams.

This post was originally meant to contain more meaningless rants but procrastination, being the crafty bastard it is, wouldn't allow us to. But anyways, tell us what you think of this (click on the box left of awesomeness, don't be a bitch) and comment.

If you don't want to comment, you can spam That Guy at bareeshx@gmail.com. Don't tell him I'm handing this out. If he is insistent on finding out then blame the leprechaun. Don’t worry, he’s a close friend, he won’t mind taking the blame.

Also we are going to be inactive for quite a while. We have heard weather forecasts of a lesbian cloud in the vicinity of South Asia and plan on chasing it. That Guy, will however respond to comments and tell spammers to fuck off, but don't expect any new posts. I expect the adventure will continue until 8th of June at least. Expect pictures of our escapades in our next post. And please don't unfollow us. We are not incapable of begging and baking cookies to reward you for loyalty.

Bad Ideas & That Guy

Places That Suck Part 1

Due to poverty, cost of milk and shitstorms all over the world, That Guy and Bad Ideas have brought to you a list of places they really would not want to live. Considering we already live in third world hellholes these places must suck harder than Paris Hilton, which they do. This post brings to you two places we would not want to live in even if somebody moved a lesbian cloud over there ( literally a cloud made of girls who do things to each other ).

Pirates...are cool. I'm talking about the eccentric, swashbuckling types in Pirates of The Caribbean.The more recent piracy is of the internet kind. And a nutless monkey can do that. But what of the trouble on the high seas? Well, only one country is trying to keep up that tradition of capturing rich people, then giving them back for ransom while on boats. But even then it lacks the finesse it used to possess. Of course we are talking about Somalia.

Somalia is quite possibly the worst place on earth. Even worse than East Croydon. Some would say its too easy a target. But we're assholes so we'll kick them while they're down. Somalia is such a lawless crapshack , that it makes Bangladesh look like a part of Scandinavia but less boring with less albinos.

We are lazy bloggers so while we aren't sure we can safely assume that Somalia, being an African nation, has a lack of water as all these 'charitable' organisations keep reminding us that there is not enough water in Africa. Read the previous sentence again after substituting the word 'water' with 'food' and 'safety'. Enough reasons yet? If not then let me inform you that Somalia is a god fearing Muslim nation with not a single KFC outlet.

Do you know what a "baguette" is? Well, you probably do or you're googling it now to find out. The next place we would not want to live is a land whose name strikes fear into the hearts of homophobes all over the world. No not San Francisco, we are obviously talking about France. Lets face it, nobody likes France (I believe this sentiment started with the British but i am not sure when). Sure some people like visiting and looking at their fancy art galleries and their ninja free streets, but seriously, who would want to live in a country run by a midget? I mean, small people are mean.

Now to tackle the more sinister side of France. The side which haunts every tourist like memories of childhood abuse haunt altar boys. Can you guess what it is? Heres a hint, "I wear black & white striped clothes and white make up, also I am mute so I relay messages by wild gesticulations which has now turned into my profession." For those who still do not know who I am, I laugh at you in silence.

Silent laughter hurts. Obviously, there is no way in hell these were the only two place we would hate living. And we do so love series posts. It gives a sense of suspense. Comment below for where you would not want to live. The cat desires your comments. Please don't disappoint it. (Apologies for the cat picture being small. My picture editing skills are shit.)

ENCYLOPEDIA LIBRARICA BOOK 2: THE BOOK OF THE MIND

To get an idea what the hell this is about read about the first book of Encyclopedia Librarica.

A long long time ago (somewhere around last Tuesday) in a galaxy which we inhabit, there was a man. This man had a sheep. And this man also had bestiality issues (the word is zoophilia I think). After much injustice which we need not describe had been committed, this sheep gave birth to a half man, half anaconda, half crocodile creature … which died shortly after birth. Needless to say the man was outraged to find his sheep had not been loyal and had slept around (dare I pun that the sheep had been baa-d?). So the man slit his wrist with a rusty razor blade, got infected with tetanus, and died a slow and horrible death. But that also has nothing to do with the Librarian. The Librarian created this atrocity to amuse himself. That’s just how he rolls.

Some of his best jokes are Kirsten Stewart, emos, Hinduism, how George W. Bush got elected TWICE and all of Linkin Park’s follow up albums. I refuse to mention Justin Bieber on the Librarian’s sacred list of practical jokes because I have a life (or had one once upon a time) and will not get into discussing the sexuality and gender of one whom every catholic priest wishes to have sit on his lap someday.

Please note that we have translated the above paragraphs from recently uncovered ancient texts written in classic Stan Lee Marvel comics’ style to Lazy Blogger’s language. We take a break from translating to point out that Kirsten Stewart and other futuristic developments available only in an era of mass cell phone and microwave radiations have been mentioned in these (questionably) ancient texts meaning that the librarian must exist and is the truth. And back to translations.

Librarianism, like Abrahamic religions, requires you to pray to the almighty Great Librarian In The Sky (that is his official title and to save further typing we call him GLITS from now on) on a specific day. This day is Wednesday. Mainly because its right smack in the middle of the week and a general annoyance.

May the Librarian protect you from rape and strange middle aged men, Imad.

Bad Ideas & That Guy

I guess I'd like to say Thank You. No joke.

Bad Ideas wanted to be nice this post. I guess he didn't like the hate comments on our previous posts as much as I did. So I guess we're going to do a thank you post and for once try and not be like Mellisa Leo and say "Fuck" during our thank you. Oh fuck, I just said it. Fuck, I did it again. Ok stop.

Well, this blog normally likes poking fun at a lot of things. We mock everything from reality, religion, the system, how idiots believe in a 2000 year old storybook and how obesity is sometimes a matter of national security. Its also pretty sad most of the time a blog of this quality goes unread. But enough complaining. Now is the time to thank our few readers, our followers/minions (you know what you're getting into when you press follow), our commentors (even you Anon 1,2,3 and 4) and all those people on the sidelines rooting for us (which is like 1 person).

This journey started when a 14 year old boy decided he bored and wanted to spout random nonsense at the internet, back in 09. Then the journey stopped a couple months later because I needed to go to the bathroom, then was forgotten like that stripper you married in Vegas and was renewed with more gusto and writers in the new year. Since then we have tackled numerous problems of the world (and posted very few solutions) such as online scams, zodiac changes, M. Night Shyamalan, obesity, religion and overpopulation. But now we have finally crossed the 15 followers mark. We're lazy so it took us till 33 followers to make this post. So now we must SEXY PARTAY!

We apologize for the street beggar in the middle. He's a party animal.

That Guy and Bad Ideas