ENCYLOPEDIA LIBRARICA BOOK 2: THE BOOK OF THE MIND

To get an idea what the hell this is about read about the first book of Encyclopedia Librarica.

A long long time ago (somewhere around last Tuesday) in a galaxy which we inhabit, there was a man. This man had a sheep. And this man also had bestiality issues (the word is zoophilia I think). After much injustice which we need not describe had been committed, this sheep gave birth to a half man, half anaconda, half crocodile creature … which died shortly after birth. Needless to say the man was outraged to find his sheep had not been loyal and had slept around (dare I pun that the sheep had been baa-d?). So the man slit his wrist with a rusty razor blade, got infected with tetanus, and died a slow and horrible death. But that also has nothing to do with the Librarian. The Librarian created this atrocity to amuse himself. That’s just how he rolls.

Some of his best jokes are Kirsten Stewart, emos, Hinduism, how George W. Bush got elected TWICE and all of Linkin Park’s follow up albums. I refuse to mention Justin Bieber on the Librarian’s sacred list of practical jokes because I have a life (or had one once upon a time) and will not get into discussing the sexuality and gender of one whom every catholic priest wishes to have sit on his lap someday.

Please note that we have translated the above paragraphs from recently uncovered ancient texts written in classic Stan Lee Marvel comics’ style to Lazy Blogger’s language. We take a break from translating to point out that Kirsten Stewart and other futuristic developments available only in an era of mass cell phone and microwave radiations have been mentioned in these (questionably) ancient texts meaning that the librarian must exist and is the truth. And back to translations.

Librarianism, like Abrahamic religions, requires you to pray to the almighty Great Librarian In The Sky (that is his official title and to save further typing we call him GLITS from now on) on a specific day. This day is Wednesday. Mainly because its right smack in the middle of the week and a general annoyance.

May the Librarian protect you from rape and strange middle aged men, Imad.

Bad Ideas & That Guy

Eearthquake! No wait, its just a fat kid

I logged into my Facebook page yesterday night to find myself bombarded with updates about an earthquake. I had once more not felt it occur. The first thought that came into my head was "Oh my Librarian (see below Encyclopedia Librarica), I wonder if everyone's alright." but of course that’s bullshit. I would be very happy if somebody was trapped under rubble and I could go point and laugh. (Yes I'm an evil little boy. No the first thought that came into my mind was "How many of these people actually felt a tremor?" I find the phenomenon of people copying what other people do intriguing. It gives me the impression that other people are mindless slaves that do not understand the concept of individuality. It makes me feel special and reinforces my line of thought that most people are idiots.

But back to the earthquake, there were a few things that surprised me. One: That we have seismographs in the country. Two: That we know how to turn them on. But the third thing was how our “experts” determined that the tremor posted a 6.4 on the Richter Scale. The Haiti earthquake was 7 right? So that must mean that 6.4 should at least knock down a few buildings. Take away work from hard working demolition crews?

The last time there was an earthquake, a street vendor told me (pointing at a really fat girl on the street) : Bhai, kalke bhumikompo hoise na? Oije oi maiya poira gesilo. (Translation: Brother, you know the earthquake yesterday? It happened because she fell.) I was a bit stunned that some guy on the street comes to random strangers and insults fat people but I took one more look at the girl and collapsed laughing. This has led me to believe that the same girl could be the root of the problem once more. If you have any earthquake stories, comment below.

That Guy

P.S Elsewhere....

ENCYCLOPEDIA LIBRARICA BOOK 1 : THE BOOK OF THE RULES

What do you get when two idiots with nothing better to do are bored? (cue catchphrase...) RELIGION!

Thats right, we (Bad Ideas and That Guy) have started a new (and improved?) religion because we didn't think there were enough in the world. One god but only a couple hundred religions? That is why we decided to found one as well ... Librarianism.

Where do babies come from? You came from your mom, but obviously not the lazy ass sitting round your living room all day flipping through channels. Babies are born because the Great Librarian in the sky descends to your mom’s room and makes sweet love to her. We all have a part of the Librarian in us and therefore owe it to the Librarian to be quiet in the library and abide by his other simple rules or forever be cast into an abyss of bad television.

The Great Librarian's Book of Guidelines has set up a simple system for us to follow:

1. Be quiet in the library
2. Don’t tear or deface the knowledge pods in any way
3. Return all pods of knowledge before due date
4. Mock all other religions because lets face it, everyone else does it

Breaking these rules results in what I call "overdue points". You get 1 to 10 depending on the extremity of your crime. And your punishment is then determined by how many points you have. For example- 1 point means watch an episode of a daytime drama of the Librarian's choice. 10 points means buying, I repeat BUYING, the whole set of Librarian movies starring Noah Wyle and then watching them one after another, then watching them again with director commentary.

To partake in Librarianism, you need not even believe in the Librarian but to simply abide by these rules. You see, the Librarian is not omniscient (thank the Librarian) which is why he will not know whether you believe in him or not. He is not even omnipotent, only semi-potent or three-quarters potent or at best 99% potent because he cannot provide any good arguments supporting his existence.

And so concludes the first book of the Encyclopedia Librarica- The Book Of The Rules.