Saturday, 30 April 2011

The Real Hiatus Announcement

Its been a hell of a few months for the blog. We made 1300 views this month, got hate comments from angry Indian ninjas, got to 92 followers. But now is the time to take a break. I'm sorry but we must leave. And not because of your stupid Indian bitch ass, Anonymous. Apologies to any other Indian followers because I get not all of you are like Anonymous.

This decision has been a long time coming. We have to get back to real life duties. Sadly, we can't cite a lesbian cloud (literally a cloud made of girls who do things to each other) as the reason of our departure. For the reason is more mundane and...just plain lame. We have exams. GCE exams. GCE stands for Stupid shit exams that will ruin our lives if we fail.
I got a job. I'm going to be writing in the biggest youth magazine in Dhaka. And going to be paid peanuts. Ahh the things I do because my co-writer doesn't want to do them alone.

Well, I suppose thats about it. Guys, please don't un-follow the blog. I will be back in a month. And I really don't want to come back and see 92 turn into 9 because those 9 are probably dead and so cannot unfollow my blog.

Till then,
That Guy and Bad Ideas.

P.S If anyone needs me I'll check my email. Its right below the main blog picture in the introduction.

P.P.S Anonymous, this is for you

Saturday, 16 April 2011

Interviewing A Deity

Before we get started on the post there are two things. One is our first poll results. Thanks to everyone who voted. We got:
  • 11 votes for "Add them both". But sadly, we don't care about your opinion in the slightest.
  • 5 votes for "I don't care". Then don't freakin' vote, jackass.
  • 4 votes for "Don't add more writers". Why are you so afraid of change? You voted against Obama didn't you?
  • 2 votes for "Add just 1". I'll add as many as I like.
  • 1 vote for "They should replace you two" . I appreciate the honesty.
Second thing, in this post we will be interviewing The Librarian (the better choice when compared to other failed gods). The god of Librarianism which is the religion we follow. To learn more of Librarianism please follow the links to Encyclopedia Librarica Book 1 and Book 2.

We also introduce a new character in this post. He is named the Rowdykid. He's like what Christians call the devil but he's emo. A picture is shown below.

He resides in the Not-so-Great Emo Concert at the centre of the earth. Now onto the interview.

That Guy and Bad Ideas : How do we know you're really god?
Librarian : Well, I did the "Virgin" Mary. She was a freak! I have pictures. Then I left her with a kid. This is why Jesus was such a troubled man., going around and spreading lies about some other god instead of preaching my awesomeness. That is why he now resides in The Not-so-Great Emo Concert at the Centre of the Earth.

TG & BI : Why Library?
Librarian : *awkward silence* I'm not quite sure, ask the Great Apothecary, he might know. PSYCH! You must be a serious jackass to believe there's a huge pharmacist in the sky. But then again you believed in Zeus. Man, I really dropped the ball while creating your species.

TG & BI : Is there a life after death?
Librarian: Well its called death because its not life ; its death. If you are good in life, you go to The Great Library In The Sky. Otherwise I SEND you to the Not-so-Great Emo Concert. Method of trasport? Fat American. How does it work? You ride him.

TG & BI : What is your gender?
Librarian: If the Bible and other blasphemous works, got one thing right, its that I'm a dude. (Sorry for any confusion little heathen/pagan friends). And as for proof, ask your mama.

TG & BI : What food do you eat?
Librarian : Intelligence of generations. Makes sense, doesn't it?

TG & BI : How many times a day do you shit?
Librarian : Look at it this way ; each time I shit, somebody dies in the world. I have perpetual diarrhoea. *Looks around awkwardly* Next question.

TG & BI : What are your opinions on fake religions such as Christianity or Islam?
Librarian : Damn fuckin' hilarious! Can you believe they fell for that stuff about not shaving making you holy? I don't sleep with their women, I leave that to the Rowdykid. Jews are okay though. They invented Jew-Jitsu.
TG & BI : No they didn't.
Librarian : What? Jew-Jitsu is Chinese? Rowdykid-dammit! I curse them with an eternity of being victims of 50% of the world's racist jokes.

TG & BI : What advice do you have to give to today's youth on drugs?
Librarian : Drugs are whack, yo. In fact, I'm completely baked. So are you. Keep that parcel I gave you for later use. Its the good stuff.

TG & BI : Is Santa Claus real? And if he is, what about the Easter Bunny?
Librarian : Santa Claus is a homeless burglar who has bestiality issues. Especially when it comes to reindeer. That is why he has the beard and the bag. He lives in the North Pole because that is the only place where reindeer sex isn't outlawed. (There and Norway, but seriously, who wants to live in Norway?)
The Easter Bunny? Seriously? Have you ever wondered what a giant rabbit painting eggs and hiding them has to do with anything? No? Then my joke is working. Keep quiet, have another parcel.

TG & BI : What company should we invest in heavily to ensure the future of our families are secure?
Librarian : Well, I would go with Appl...
TG & BI : He said Google. Yep, thats what he said. Google. (Google gods, if you're reading this, please make us rich and famous. Not necessarily in that order).

TG & BI: Anything you'd like to tell our readers before we end?
Librarian : Comment. Or Chuck Norris will come after you. And press the awesomeness box repeatedly. And don't forget to click stuff on the next poll.

Monday, 4 April 2011

En Route To The Cloud

In a desperate attempt to not lose readership, I'm going to head back to the shitty, scum covered roots of the blog and write like that illiterate twat that I was before I returned to the blog in January and post something I came up with in 2 minutes. I call this type of post ; 2 minute poop posts.

We are currently en route to the lesbian cloud and a rant is necessary to pass the time on this mighty voyage. And this seems the best thing to do because they're showing that crappy Julia Roberts - Richard Gere movie on the plane and I would rather take the plastic forks in the economy class meals and gouge my eyes out while screaming the lyrics to "Bohemian Rhapsody" rather than watch that movie.
Being owners of shitty computers, our only method of passing time is to go to our rich friends houses and play Halo on their huge TVs and multiple gaming systems. This doesn't make us bad people. My computer system can hardly run Hitman 2 and I can't even get to the 4th level. Bad Ideas' computer is also shitty but he has finished Hitman 2 so his life has now lost all purpose. Sad, aren't we?

Economy class is to put quite simply an opportunity to sympathize with bombers. More than wanting to please their imaginary friend called God, they were probably just more pissed off with the crap food. ( Yes I am hoping to get hate comments from this reminding me of the evil I am relating with). I luckily have the aisle seat so I can get up whenever I want. Bad Ideas has window seat so he can stare at the clouds outside and randomly yell at the ones he doesn't like. We have a fat Albanian women in the middle. Somehow she has managed to have her side lard cross over the seat divider and steal half my seat. Like I said, the movie on the plane isn't much distraction. They ran out of peanuts because the Albanian took 20. I'm wondering how the plane is still up in the air with this earthquake-causing fatass (check the footnote as well) on board.
This brings me to one of my favourite stories I like to tell. This did actually happen to me (That Guy) a couple years ago. It was when I went to Cuba. On the way back, I was spending a week in Paris with my dad. The Indians had refused him a visa because he was dissin' them at a UN conference so he was coming back to Dhaka via Bahrain while I would go to Delhi from Paris and then Dhaka. As I went to check-in the stupid French people told me ( in their stupid annoying accent) that the plane was overbooked. I asked what I'm supposed to do to get back home (I am 15 in this story). The conversation that ensued was like this

Stupid French person: "Well, we can send you to Mumbai and you take the plane to Delhi from there".
Me : " My Indian visa expired. I can't go into the domestic airport"
SFP : "You can take the plane from Mumbai to Hong Kong. Then come back to Delhi"
Me (staring disbelievingly) : "What?"
SFP : "Or the plane to Hong Kong stops in Delhi. You can get off there"
Me : " Alright whatever."

As soon as I say this, SWAT teams rush in to the terminal and start evacuations because they found a bomb. Only in France. So they take this "bomb" and BLOW IT UP on the runway. (It was just a piece of luggage somebody left while they went to the toilet). I run to the boarding gate. The person there is Indian- French. Bad combination. He says I'm too late. I say " Well there was a fucking bomb. Not really my fault". The guy seems sympathetic and says " Come with me. You can take the plane to Moscow and go to Delhi from there." I swear I'm not making this up.

Anyways, I went to Moscow. I had no winter clothes because I was coming from Cuba. And conveniently, it was -2 degrees in Moscow airport. After we land, they bring in heat sensors. Did I mention I had 102 degree fever and it was during Swine Flu craze? Well, I ran out of the plane like a crazy terrorist who needs the bathroom. Then froze for the next 3 hours before the plane to Delhi.

My hands hurt from typing this in a 2 minute limit. There was a few more points to the story that I can't be bothered to add. Comment or send me an email (email address is at the top of the blog right below the picture.) to hear the rest of it. Fat woman is trying to steal my dessert.