Tuesday, 19 March 2013

Beggars: A Case Study

Beggars were put on Earth as a source of our amusement. They may go by other names such as homeless or hobos,  but they all exist solely to have fun poked at them. It is a scientific fact established by the Beggar Study Institute of England. In the mid-1960s, the Institute dissected several beggars, each coming from a separate country. All the subjects shared some common properties. No souls were found within the bodies. A thin layer of insult-absorbing membranes were found just below the skin. None of the beggars had tear-ducts. A unanimous conclusion was reached; the lack of soul made it morally acceptable to poke fun at beggars while the insult-absorbing membranes and the absence of tear ducts meant beggars were well suited to being made fun of.

One scholar even came up with the theory of devolution, that beggars actually devolved from poor people (a lower class of human being) through a process of natural selection. This theory received a lot of attention and was both praised and criticized.
It says so clearly in The Holy <insert name of fictional book> that beggars were put on Earth as a source of our amusement. This theory is blasphemy." "There is no way the beggar's perfectly adapted anatomy occurred simply by chance." "The theory of devolution is brilliant and will revolutionise the way we study beggars." "It is just a theory. I mean, if beggars came from poor people, then why are there still poor people?" "It is human nature to not stray from our comfort zone. We need to understand that the theory of devolution does not push us out of our comfort zone but rather expand it. The Earth is not the centre of the Universe, the world is not flat and beggars came from poor people.
The theory of devolution is still being debated but one thing is very clear - beggars, homeless, hobos or whatever you choose to call them are lesser beings than us and it is only natural to make fun of them.

Now that you possess the background knowledge, I would like to introduce you to some of the different species of beggars which I come across regularly in my neighbourhood.

The Stick Beggar:  This beggar hoards sticks in a hidden stockpile preparing for the Armageddon (after the bullets finally run out) so it can be a polygamist warlord when disaster strikes. This beggar is both the Alpha and the Omega. No beggar dares to question its authority because it always carries a stick and also because it has no authority and doesn't care.

The Shouter: Mostly female, a shouter uses its loud voice to issue commands to beggars in every corner of its territory in the absence of the stick beggar. Shouters are very territorial. If a rival shouter walks into another shouter's territory they will shout, yell and scream at each other until one of their lungs give in. Shouters are also used to communicate over long distances.

The Rollers: Rollers have less than two legs. Their legs were taken as payment by sadistic loan sharks when they failed to return the money owed. As a result they have to ride around in tricycle-wheelchair hybrids, thus earning the name of roller. The roller is a social beggar. There are several in my street. They stay close to each other and share their earnings.

The Stripper: This beggar knows all the classic stripper moves and would someday like to 'work it' in Las Vegas. Until then she crawls an all fours like a cat stalking her prey and climbs up all sorts of poles like lamp poles and telephone poles. Or it might be because her muscles have atrophied and her legs alone are not enough to support her body weight.

That one beggar who rapes deaf chicks: Not joking. This guy is for real.

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