Wednesday, 22 June 2011

The Devil Spawn

We have been holding polls regularly since That Guy figured out how to use the gadget, here are the results of the most recent one, 'What sucks the most?' which received 37 votes in total. The idea behind it was to create a new scheme for rating our posts but almost nothing went as planned so we have to rethink.
  • Paris Hilton (19 votes, highest) as predicted. This candidate needs no snide remark to accompany her, mainly because I can't think of any.
  • A Nun with Gingivitis (10 votes). No, no-one was supposed to vote on this, who would want to get sucked by a nun with gingivitis? That would arguably be as dangerous as getting blown by Paris Hilton. Plus nuns don't get to suck that much.
  • Your Boss (4 votes). He/she was supposed to get second highest but the outcome is understandable since most of our readers are probably bums.
  • I is illiterate but pretty scribbles are pretty (14 votes, second highest). This one was the non-serious answer for people who do not give two shits about this poll and wanted to answer cutely. But maybe they were serious, it fits with my hypothesis of our readers being bums.

Babies shit their pants easy and even then it takes us a long time to come up with shit to throw at our readers. Refusal to return to the scene of the poop means we do not come up with many series posts sequels. Yeah, you kind of knew that, we hate babies for several other REAL reasons.

Babies are loud and annoying. They cry and bawl on planes, trains and automobiles. Even in a fucking restaurant. A restaurant where all the waiters are snooty and have fancy entertaining moustaches and serve fancy foods like "fillet mignon au jus" or "cocaine ala meatballs" (stolen from Jon Stewart. Funniest Jew of all time.). Plane babies are the worst because you have no path of escape. You are confined to your cabin until the bathroom becomes free so you can escape to feel the sweet release of claustrophobia.

When a new infant enters the family, initially you're excited that you'll have a slave to teach your devious ways of parent manipulation. That is until you see the new baby steal your parents away with great use of cuteness. Your parents give it relentless attention. Since attention cannot be given to two things at once, you become deprived. This leads you to grow up to become awkward sociopath who indulges in drugs and dismisses "God" to spite his parents. Its all the baby's fault. Kill it while it can't fight back. Krusty the Clown recommends rat poison or your grandmother's feet to the ear while they're asleep.

Babies are completely useless. What are they good for? They can't do my homework, my chores, beat up people I don't like, get me a discount on weed. They can't partake in intelligent conversation. Hell, they can't even speak your lingo. They want YOU to learn their idiotic primitive language of drooling. How dare they? How dare they expect you to compromise?

China has limited the number of babies there people can have. If the Chinese do it, you know its a good idea. They are our future rulers after all. And besides, the babies voted against Mao Tse Tung.

Now as our 4 readers know, we make fun of other people's stupidity to make you believe we are more intelligent than the average person. That is true but not a great feat as the average person is a dumbass with an I.Q of around 15. But our readers are of course dumber than us for reading our shit, meaning we have not hit rock bottom.

So yeah, you probably know that we are gonna make fun of how babies are stupid to make ourselves feel better. But its true, research has shown 10 out of 10 babies do not give a shit about global warming and 9 out of those 10 babies grow up to be an unproductive member of a future society. 2 out of those 10 babies already have mortgages and drinking problems while still in the womb.

We are now giving away free advice, so please tell us your problems and if you have any questions The Great Librarian is willing to answer. So as a final word we offer you this advice. Always wear a condom. But you probably won't heed our advice. Nobody ever does. That's why the world is so fucked.

Friday, 10 June 2011

Places That Suck Part 2

We're back. Exams are over. Are you happy, kiddies? Also before you read this and by any chance get pissed off (very unlikely) remember this, all these are based on stereotypes, meaning its definitely true, so don't try and prove us wrong.

During the exams I, Bad Ideas, joined the cult of the Cambridge-poopooheads to please the Cambridge-poopoohead god (forgive me, GLITS) so that they grant me good grades. But now, That Guy is confused as to what to do with his new found freedom and so is forcing me to write the promised sequel to "Places That Suck" instead of procrastinating. SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO HIM? WHY MUST THE LAZY TURN.....not-lazy like a hard working middle-aged man with no discernible talent and whose life will never lead anywhere !?!!?!

Well, anyway, back to shitty countries. How shitty is Japan? The answer would be "as shitty as that kid in Slumdog Millionaire". Japan was once a fabled magical land where ninjas ate eggs for breakfast, lunch, dinner and between-assassination snacks. Men with awesome ponytails and awesome facial hair roamed wearing awesome armour and wielding awesome katanas. But alas, that land is no more. Katanas have been traded in for Wii Controllers so that obese children might have minimal exercise.

Japan is located in the "Ring Of Fire" or something along those ominous lines. What the hell am I talking about? Japan is in a region of heavy tectonic activity and so in constant fear of deadly earthquakes. Like the one that fucked them over a few months ago. And that earthquake led to damaging the Fukushima nuclear plant and that led to spread of radiation. Nuclear meltdown was a real possibility and if it had happened not only would a chuck of Japan be uninhabitable for the next 1908127094 years, it would have awakened their mortal enemy, Godzilla, who would have emerged from his under-water fortress to bitch-slap them. I am probably exaggerating but this is after all, a post of meaningless banter, racist jokes (Japanese people do not see much for their tiny eyes, haha) and relentless stereotyping.

Japan is famous for anime. Anime characters normally have very large eyes, huge spiky hair which is coloured blonde/red/green/pink/shit and wear outlandish outfits so that the protagonist is easily identifiable. They also wield enormous swords/weapons that are twice the size of the characters and in real life, would be completely useless. The anime suggests that these swords are very light as the characters can move around so fast its like teleporting while carrying these things. This is because they are a representation of the Japanese people's hopes and dreams. They have an inferiority complex due to their tiny eyes not being able to see much, which is why they kill themselves in the name of honour (read : tiny eyes).

Anyway, back to manga and anime. Female anime characters usually have disproportionately large breasts. Japanese nerds are so perverted and sexually frustrated that they end up making animated porn out of these characters. After all, who doesn't want to see their favourite cartoon characters being done through the rear by a Pikachu? I don't think we need to delve into this subject any further.

Saudi Arabia sucks. Oh, you were expecting more? Maybe we shouldn't in case they go all jihad (stupid holy war) on us. If all the countries were children on a playground, Saudi would be the one running the risk of a heart attack, living in a ghetto, constantly complaining to its parents, sucking up to the cool kids but still not getting invited to the cool kid parties.

Saudi is home to the house of "god" (Allah, a false deity for the Librarian is the only one) in Mecca which is a congested, polluted, slum-like city. Quite possibly as a result of this, Saudi Arabia is the muslim-est country in the world (it also holds the majority of the world's oil and so the white men of the West cannot attack). Meaning there are almost no human rights for people that have smaller beards than Dumbledore under the "Intolerant Muslim or GTFO act of 600 AD" otherwise known as the Quran.

Under the "GTFO Act", you are not allowed to blog left-wing or indeed anything that suggests anything that doesn't stink of conservativeness. You are not allowed to support homosexuals, bisexuals, Borat, transsexuals or bacon. Political parties are not allowed with the exception of the "Glorious Muslim Brotherhood Of Bearded Dudes Who Wear Small Hats But Are Not Jewish" or GMBOBDWWSHBANJ and because of its name which isn't douche-y I support it. Also they cool with Borat cos' he is "veddy naice". (That Guy says "Tell me that was sarcasm"). And needless to say women have little to no value there. They are not allowed to drive cars or give head, much less give head while driving a car, but they are allowed to fly planes.

With Saudi sucking so much its hardly a surprise people turn into raving loonies and try to commit crimes. But Saudi law enforcement (read : more bearded dudes with meat cleavers) puts a stop to that with their unique brand of punishment.
  • Hands and feet are amputated for robbery or theft
  • Sexual deviancy is rewarded by whipping in public
  • Public beheadings for drug traffickers, murderers, rapists, armed robbers and Jewish people.
Well that was the grand return post. Disappointed yet? In order to be closer to our minions we have created a Facebook "like" page. It's right under every post. Now click it, get your fake Fagbook account and "like" it again. Then tell all your friends, family, sex slaves and pets to do the same. So yeah, that's about it. Go "like" it.

P.S. If you're confused, That Guy wrote Japan, Bad Ideas wrote Saudi and then they edited each others.