Thursday, 17 February 2011

Contemplating The Problems Of A Third World Hellhole Part 1

I live in Bangladesh. Bangladesh is a country like no other. It is the world's largest river delta, or in other words made entirely of stuff the other countries didn't want and dumped in their rivers. It is surrounded by evil India (by surrounded I mean we are located in India's asscrack) and shares a small border with Myanmar who isn't so much evil as largely unpleasant. The entire region is displayed in the below picture.

Banglaadesh is incredibly overpopulated. It is so overpopulated that not everyone fits in the country and must resort to standing on top of another person. Sort of like the below picture but uglier. I mean, if your neighbor on the floor above is being a loud asshole you don’t need to poke your roof with a broomstick, all you would need to do is swear at the person standing on top of you and tell him/her to pass it on in a session of Chinese Whisper. With any luck they will improve on your whispered abuse to make sure your intended message gets through.

We have 160 million people in Bangladesh and countless others underwater in the Evil Bay of Tsunamis. Bangladesh is the world's largest importer of Natural Disasters. Tsunamis, Hurricanes, Cyclones, Thunderstorms, Floods, Earthquakes (although if you see the previous posts you may realize that it may be more man made than you think). You name it and the chances are that we are plagued by it.

But back to the overpopulation. Bangladeshi's are dumb. They think just because they're poor they shouldn't buy condoms. Well what they don't understand is that by wearing protection they save costs in the long run. But they're idiots so nothing to do there. Maybe free condoms are the answer.

It doesn't help that Bangladeshi society is so conservative that people often mistake women for ninjas.(I'm not saying they aren't).

Say about 20 to 25 years ago, we had a lot less ninjas in Bangladesh; this is inversely proportional to the number ninjas in Japan. Back then it was, say 5% of all women, right now its 50%. These gauged figures may be fantastic news to which some religious bearded fellows would say ‘Inshallah/ Mashallah, today the idiots, tomorrow the upper-middle class!’ but to me it’s a doomsday hourglass-cum-time bomb and when the percentage reaches 100 it will be time for the second coming of Jesus and Armageddon shall be upon us. So, assassin or believer? Either ways,they are both several hundred years out of date.
Because of the country's unwavering faith in a book made by a prophet/ lying bastard/ retard, people do not indulge in pre-marital sex. This leads to very horny people. So when people do get married, they go batshit crazy and then BAM all of a sudden they have 10 kids and another 14 on the way. This leads to more people standing on top of you, which in turn leads to reduced average height. Yeah, it’s true; a lot of Bangladeshis are short (Thankfully, I’m not but sadly the same can’t be said for Bad Ideas). Damned human pyramids, you participate in them even once and you’re vertically crippled for life.

This hardly is all the problems that plague the not gay side of Bengal so expect another multiple part post in the near future.

That Guy and Bad Ideas

Monday, 7 February 2011

Footnote to Previous Post

This post is a footnotes to the previous post ... as the title suggests. If you know the whereabouts of the Fat Girl mentioned in the last post please report to us her rough coordinates (doesn't need to be exact, I am sure we can spot her from a distance). You may contact us at 0800-I-SPOTTED-A-BLOB. Here is an artists sketch of the fat girl:

On a descriptive note we would like to draw you attention to the restless eyes, constantly scanning the background for sugar-coated delights. Also please note something our artist hasn't drawn; the area around her mouth in general will have some remains of the cupcake she consumed 2 to 3 minutes ago.

If seen then kindly contact us immediately. Do NOT approach, I repeat, DO NOT APPROACH. If you hold a sugary treat (especially a cupcake) in you hand then slowly place it on the ground and back away. It is advisable that you do not make eye contact. Any sudden movements will make the Fat Girl feel threatened and she may fall ... hard. After receiving your call we will be on the scene in less than ... who am I kidding? We will be on the scene in more than an hour will all our professional Fat Girl capturing gear which consists of a saddle, a fishing rod with a cupcake as bait and other advances pieces of equipment which I will not bother explaining to our 3 readers because you won't understand.

Sunday, 6 February 2011

Eearthquake! No wait, its just a fat kid

I logged into my Facebook page yesterday night to find myself bombarded with updates about an earthquake. I had once more not felt it occur. The first thought that came into my head was "Oh my Librarian (see below Encyclopedia Librarica), I wonder if everyone's alright." but of course that’s bullshit. I would be very happy if somebody was trapped under rubble and I could go point and laugh. (Yes I'm an evil little boy. No the first thought that came into my mind was "How many of these people actually felt a tremor?" I find the phenomenon of people copying what other people do intriguing. It gives me the impression that other people are mindless slaves that do not understand the concept of individuality. It makes me feel special and reinforces my line of thought that most people are idiots.

But back to the earthquake, there were a few things that surprised me. One: That we have seismographs in the country. Two: That we know how to turn them on. But the third thing was how our “experts” determined that the tremor posted a 6.4 on the Richter Scale. The Haiti earthquake was 7 right? So that must mean that 6.4 should at least knock down a few buildings. Take away work from hard working demolition crews?

The last time there was an earthquake, a street vendor told me (pointing at a really fat girl on the street) : Bhai, kalke bhumikompo hoise na? Oije oi maiya poira gesilo. (Translation: Brother, you know the earthquake yesterday? It happened because she fell.) I was a bit stunned that some guy on the street comes to random strangers and insults fat people but I took one more look at the girl and collapsed laughing. This has led me to believe that the same girl could be the root of the problem once more. If you have any earthquake stories, comment below.

That Guy

P.S Elsewhere....