Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts

Thursday, 25 August 2011

Not-So-Essential Crowpoop: Sanity

[This story is vague to say the least. It's definitely not like anything I've written on the blog before. It's not funny. It just is. With that being said, perhaps my 4 readers, you shall be able to deal with such change and vote for my story on the poll to decide the contest. The poll shall accompany Bad Ideas' story. Also, like the damn Facebook page.]

Imagine a place. Make it a nice place; a small town preferably. Now, destroy it. Pillage it, plunder it. Annihilate, obliterate and devastate. Leave nothing unscathed. Demolish the ruins. Kill whoever the plague did not claim. Do not discriminate, racism and sexism is wrong. Women, children, elderly, set them on fire and watch them burn. Have you done it? Good. This is where I am. My name is Crow Poop. Does that make you laugh? It should. This is what the world has become. See it through my eyes.

Humanity has imploded. No, you cannot call it humanity anymore, not when humans act like dogs fighting on the streets, frothing at the mouths. And to think, just a year ago, I was happy. She was alive. And now, I have her blood on my hands. Haha. I can’t particularly complain though. Her cooking was terrible. Maybe the plague wasn’t so bad. No, no, shouldn’t laugh.

Contrary to what you may think after reading thus far, the plague isn’t what’s killing us. No. The plague has passed. It claimed a few billion, yes. But no, what’s killing us, is us. When the plague swept through, the leaders of the planet died. Countries dissolved. Nobody could operate on a scale larger than a city. In the end, it was just a bunch of survivors scrambling together to stay alive. And in one year, what has become of globalisation? Huh? Nobody much cares for economic recession anymore.

This town was taken over. They came. They had firearms that we were no match for. They came, and they conquered. They put the elderly to labour, they raped our women. Another reason I’m happy I killed her when I did. Put her out of her misery. She wouldn’t have liked what the world has become. Haha. I’m sorry. It was jus- just a funny way to die. You see, she came charging at me and I- you know what, forget it. It doesn’t matter. She’s dead. She’s rotting somewhere, her flesh now food for rats.

I like rats. Cute little creatures. And they squeak just before they die, if you squeeze them hard enough. And now, in this destroyed wasteland community, rats are fine dining. Skewer one and roast it on a fire. Delicious.

The battle for this town, if you can call it that, lasted all of one hour. Probably would’ve been over quicker if our “brave” defenders didn’t hide and cower like little children. They, the conquerors, didn’t have to do much. They just stood there, their guns at the ready. And almost as if reading their minds, our men with all their superior intellect charged at them, screaming something about freedom or liberty or some similar fictional concept they still thought they had. That is before they were shot to ribbons. Morons. Haha. No, I apologize. Death is not something to joke about. It’s merely the punch-line to the greatest joke of all.

You would think that with civilization nearly dissolved, religion would be irrelevant. You’d think people would stop bothering to go to listen to an old man preach random bullshit every Sunday, that they would stop bothering to bend over 5 times a day. You’d think they’d stop believing that an imaginary man in the sky will grant them favour. Idiots. People still pray to Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha and whoever else they think will come down from the heavens with 72 virgins for them. I feel sorry for them. But then I stop. It’s their own choice if they wish to leave their fates up to blind faith in an imaginary deity. Jackasses.

The sun used to represent hope. Now, it’s just a hot ball of gas, beating down on us. The rulers, the colonial masters, they’re comfortably off. They have working air conditioners, they have proper food and they have women to do whatever their sick imaginations concoct. Outside their palaces are the regular people. They live in stifling conditions, those who were once prosperous now enveloped in poverty. Haha. Serves them right. Made their money of bribes and murder, how does it feel now? Living on the streets; a cardboard box all the shelter from acid rain and ultraviolet rays of the sun. Haha. Did I mention they were idiots?

The streets are scattered with corpses and crying infants. Nobody cares for these children. Neither should they. Little snot-nosed mouth-breathers, never liked the beastly little creatures myself. I stand on the roofs of one of the last tall buildings that still stands. The asylum. It’s supposed to keep me locked up and forgotten, but it doesn’t take much to open the doors. Just a small pin would do the trick.

The living, now resembling the walking dead, will look up. They will hail my silhouette, standing between them and the sun, as their saviour. They will cry out for me to bring them salvation. And I will laugh. And I will defecate on them. And I will shatter whatever sliver of hope they still hold on to. And while they lie on the streets, shit oozing down their faces, tears will escape their eyes. And I will laugh. Haha.

The world is hopeless. Society has fallen. Everybody’s lost their minds. They’re quiet, but their minds run riot. Plain fucking loony. They try to pretend they’re alright, but I know better. I know the mental anguish. But I’m strong. I’ve overcome the trauma. I’m the only sane one left. But what is it to be sane in a world that is insane? Has the idea of sanity now been altered as the norm is now to be crazy? Or is it something, one of the only things, that has remained the same after the world ended? Whatever’s happened, I know one thing. I feel fine.

Saturday, 16 April 2011

Interviewing A Deity

Before we get started on the post there are two things. One is our first poll results. Thanks to everyone who voted. We got:
  • 11 votes for "Add them both". But sadly, we don't care about your opinion in the slightest.
  • 5 votes for "I don't care". Then don't freakin' vote, jackass.
  • 4 votes for "Don't add more writers". Why are you so afraid of change? You voted against Obama didn't you?
  • 2 votes for "Add just 1". I'll add as many as I like.
  • 1 vote for "They should replace you two" . I appreciate the honesty.
Second thing, in this post we will be interviewing The Librarian (the better choice when compared to other failed gods). The god of Librarianism which is the religion we follow. To learn more of Librarianism please follow the links to Encyclopedia Librarica Book 1 and Book 2.

We also introduce a new character in this post. He is named the Rowdykid. He's like what Christians call the devil but he's emo. A picture is shown below.


He resides in the Not-so-Great Emo Concert at the centre of the earth. Now onto the interview.

That Guy and Bad Ideas : How do we know you're really god?
Librarian : Well, I did the "Virgin" Mary. She was a freak! I have pictures. Then I left her with a kid. This is why Jesus was such a troubled man., going around and spreading lies about some other god instead of preaching my awesomeness. That is why he now resides in The Not-so-Great Emo Concert at the Centre of the Earth.

TG & BI : Why Library?
Librarian : *awkward silence* I'm not quite sure, ask the Great Apothecary, he might know. PSYCH! You must be a serious jackass to believe there's a huge pharmacist in the sky. But then again you believed in Zeus. Man, I really dropped the ball while creating your species.

TG & BI : Is there a life after death?
Librarian: Well its called death because its not life ; its death. If you are good in life, you go to The Great Library In The Sky. Otherwise I SEND you to the Not-so-Great Emo Concert. Method of trasport? Fat American. How does it work? You ride him.

TG & BI : What is your gender?
Librarian: If the Bible and other blasphemous works, got one thing right, its that I'm a dude. (Sorry for any confusion little heathen/pagan friends). And as for proof, ask your mama.

TG & BI : What food do you eat?
Librarian : Intelligence of generations. Makes sense, doesn't it?

TG & BI : How many times a day do you shit?
Librarian : Look at it this way ; each time I shit, somebody dies in the world. I have perpetual diarrhoea. *Looks around awkwardly* Next question.

TG & BI : What are your opinions on fake religions such as Christianity or Islam?
Librarian : Damn fuckin' hilarious! Can you believe they fell for that stuff about not shaving making you holy? I don't sleep with their women, I leave that to the Rowdykid. Jews are okay though. They invented Jew-Jitsu.
TG & BI : No they didn't.
Librarian : What? Jew-Jitsu is Chinese? Rowdykid-dammit! I curse them with an eternity of being victims of 50% of the world's racist jokes.

TG & BI : What advice do you have to give to today's youth on drugs?
Librarian : Drugs are whack, yo. In fact, I'm completely baked. So are you. Keep that parcel I gave you for later use. Its the good stuff.

TG & BI : Is Santa Claus real? And if he is, what about the Easter Bunny?
Librarian : Santa Claus is a homeless burglar who has bestiality issues. Especially when it comes to reindeer. That is why he has the beard and the bag. He lives in the North Pole because that is the only place where reindeer sex isn't outlawed. (There and Norway, but seriously, who wants to live in Norway?)
The Easter Bunny? Seriously? Have you ever wondered what a giant rabbit painting eggs and hiding them has to do with anything? No? Then my joke is working. Keep quiet, have another parcel.

TG & BI : What company should we invest in heavily to ensure the future of our families are secure?
Librarian : Well, I would go with Appl...
TG & BI : He said Google. Yep, thats what he said. Google. (Google gods, if you're reading this, please make us rich and famous. Not necessarily in that order).

TG & BI: Anything you'd like to tell our readers before we end?
Librarian : Comment. Or Chuck Norris will come after you. And press the awesomeness box repeatedly. And don't forget to click stuff on the next poll.

Friday, 21 January 2011

ENCYCLOPEDIA LIBRARICA BOOK 1 : THE BOOK OF THE RULES

What do you get when two idiots with nothing better to do are bored? (cue catchphrase...) RELIGION!

Thats right, we (Bad Ideas and That Guy) have started a new (and improved?) religion because we didn't think there were enough in the world. One god but only a couple hundred religions? That is why we decided to found one as well ... Librarianism.

Where do babies come from? You came from your mom, but obviously not the lazy ass sitting round your living room all day flipping through channels. Babies are born because the Great Librarian in the sky descends to your mom’s room and makes sweet love to her. We all have a part of the Librarian in us and therefore owe it to the Librarian to be quiet in the library and abide by his other simple rules or forever be cast into an abyss of bad television.

The Great Librarian's Book of Guidelines has set up a simple system for us to follow:

  1. Be quiet in the library
  2. Don’t tear or deface the knowledge pods in any way
  3. Return all pods of knowledge before due date
  4. Mock all other religions because lets face it, everyone else does it

Breaking these rules results in what I call "overdue points". You get 1 to 10 depending on the extremity of your crime. And your punishment is then determined by how many points you have. For example- 1 point means watch an episode of a daytime drama of the Librarian's choice. 10 points means buying, I repeat BUYING, the whole set of Librarian movies starring Noah Wyle and then watching them one after another, then watching them again with director commentary.

To partake in Librarianism, you need not even believe in the Librarian but to simply abide by these rules. You see, the Librarian is not omniscient (thank the Librarian) which is why he will not know whether you believe in him or not. He is not even omnipotent, only semi-potent or three-quarters potent or at best 99% potent because he cannot provide any good arguments supporting his existence.

And so concludes the first book of the Encyclopedia Librarica- The Book Of The Rules.

Thursday, 31 December 2009

God and other disasters

Its just recently I saw the genius that was Bertrand Russell. I am agnostic but am completely against organised religion. So when I saw the Celestial Teapot theory by Bertrand Russell, I was awed. A theory blasting open the ludicrous sense that is Faith. Now there's nothing wrong with faith but not willing to admit that yes there is a possibility that I am wrong just pisses me off.

Very few things get me angry. One is when people try and tell me about how I will go to Hell if I don't follow their religion. Well if God is omnipotent and all-seeing surely he'll know that I will say I'm a believer to get in to Heaven.

Ideals are something which is your own. Be open to others but never let go of what you think is right and wrong.

After reading Richard Dawkins "The God Delusion" I really thought what if there is no god? What happens after we die? Well the only way to find out is by waiting and thats what people don't want to do. Truth is we are terrified of Death more than anything else. We are comforted with the belief that there is something for us beyond the veil.

But what gives us the image of God as we have today? This omnipotent, all-seeing, embodiment of good? I wonder if the Romans knew how big Christianity was going to be when they wrote the Bible.

So I sign off with saying
1) Jesus was born in October. 25th December is a huge sham
2) Stop sending me "Remove the group Allah is a motherfucker from Facebook cause requests" I couldn't care less what somebody is doing to be disrespectful about something I really don't care about.
3) Happy New Year :D