Places That Suck Part 2

We're back. Exams are over. Are you happy, kiddies? Also before you read this and by any chance get pissed off (very unlikely) remember this, all these are based on stereotypes, meaning its definitely true, so don't try and prove us wrong.

During the exams I, Bad Ideas, joined the cult of the Cambridge-poopooheads to please the Cambridge-poopoohead god (forgive me, GLITS) so that they grant me good grades. But now, That Guy is confused as to what to do with his new found freedom and so is forcing me to write the promised sequel to "Places That Suck" instead of procrastinating. SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO HIM? WHY MUST THE LAZY TURN.....not-lazy like a hard working middle-aged man with no discernible talent and whose life will never lead anywhere !?!!?!

Well, anyway, back to shitty countries. How shitty is Japan? The answer would be "as shitty as that kid in Slumdog Millionaire". Japan was once a fabled magical land where ninjas ate eggs for breakfast, lunch, dinner and between-assassination snacks. Men with awesome ponytails and awesome facial hair roamed wearing awesome armour and wielding awesome katanas. But alas, that land is no more. Katanas have been traded in for Wii Controllers so that obese children might have minimal exercise.

Japan is located in the "Ring Of Fire" or something along those ominous lines. What the hell am I talking about? Japan is in a region of heavy tectonic activity and so in constant fear of deadly earthquakes. Like the one that fucked them over a few months ago. And that earthquake led to damaging the Fukushima nuclear plant and that led to spread of radiation. Nuclear meltdown was a real possibility and if it had happened not only would a chuck of Japan be uninhabitable for the next 1908127094 years, it would have awakened their mortal enemy, Godzilla, who would have emerged from his under-water fortress to bitch-slap them. I am probably exaggerating but this is after all, a post of meaningless banter, racist jokes (Japanese people do not see much for their tiny eyes, haha) and relentless stereotyping.

Japan is famous for anime. Anime characters normally have very large eyes, huge spiky hair which is coloured blonde/red/green/pink/shit and wear outlandish outfits so that the protagonist is easily identifiable. They also wield enormous swords/weapons that are twice the size of the characters and in real life, would be completely useless. The anime suggests that these swords are very light as the characters can move around so fast its like teleporting while carrying these things. This is because they are a representation of the Japanese people's hopes and dreams. They have an inferiority complex due to their tiny eyes not being able to see much, which is why they kill themselves in the name of honour (read : tiny eyes).

Anyway, back to manga and anime. Female anime characters usually have disproportionately large breasts. Japanese nerds are so perverted and sexually frustrated that they end up making animated porn out of these characters. After all, who doesn't want to see their favourite cartoon characters being done through the rear by a Pikachu? I don't think we need to delve into this subject any further.

Saudi Arabia sucks. Oh, you were expecting more? Maybe we shouldn't in case they go all jihad (stupid holy war) on us. If all the countries were children on a playground, Saudi would be the one running the risk of a heart attack, living in a ghetto, constantly complaining to its parents, sucking up to the cool kids but still not getting invited to the cool kid parties.

Saudi is home to the house of "god" (Allah, a false deity for the Librarian is the only one) in Mecca which is a congested, polluted, slum-like city. Quite possibly as a result of this, Saudi Arabia is the muslim-est country in the world (it also holds the majority of the world's oil and so the white men of the West cannot attack). Meaning there are almost no human rights for people that have smaller beards than Dumbledore under the "Intolerant Muslim or GTFO act of 600 AD" otherwise known as the Quran.

Under the "GTFO Act", you are not allowed to blog left-wing or indeed anything that suggests anything that doesn't stink of conservativeness. You are not allowed to support homosexuals, bisexuals, Borat, transsexuals or bacon. Political parties are not allowed with the exception of the "Glorious Muslim Brotherhood Of Bearded Dudes Who Wear Small Hats But Are Not Jewish" or GMBOBDWWSHBANJ and because of its name which isn't douche-y I support it. Also they cool with Borat cos' he is "veddy naice". (That Guy says "Tell me that was sarcasm"). And needless to say women have little to no value there. They are not allowed to drive cars or give head, much less give head while driving a car, but they are allowed to fly planes.

With Saudi sucking so much its hardly a surprise people turn into raving loonies and try to commit crimes. But Saudi law enforcement (read : more bearded dudes with meat cleavers) puts a stop to that with their unique brand of punishment.

• Hands and feet are amputated for robbery or theft
• Sexual deviancy is rewarded by whipping in public
• Public beheadings for drug traffickers, murderers, rapists, armed robbers and Jewish people.

Well that was the grand return post. Disappointed yet? In order to be closer to our minions we have created a Facebook "like" page. It's right under every post. Now click it, get your fake Fagbook account and "like" it again. Then tell all your friends, family, sex slaves and pets to do the same. So yeah, that's about it. Go "like" it.

P.S. If you're confused, That Guy wrote Japan, Bad Ideas wrote Saudi and then they edited each others.

P.P.S. Check That Guy's article on a site called Rantages.

A New Era and A Crappy Review

First things first, poll results. The question was which series post you would like to see return. People and spambots alike voted.

• 13 votes and a clear win for "Places That Suck"
• 2 votes and humiliating loss for our most frequent one "Encyclopedia Librarica"
• 7 votes for the most popular post in the blog's history "Contemplating The Problems of A Third World Hellhole"
• 6 votes for "Didn't I tell you to leave?". Too bad. We're not leaving. But you're more than welcome to get the hell off my property.

He's got the right idea.

Now the more important announcements. Due to our awesome procrastination powers, Bad Ideas and I have made a new banner for the blog. Its quite sad to see the old one go. It was one of the good points of an otherwise crappy page. But this signals a new era. An era of shittier writing. Huzzah!

If you don't remember what the old one looks like, here's a picture.

And well, I got my first article published at work. It was an effort that took all of 10 minutes. 4 of those minutes consisted of me talking to people I don't like. The things I do to get paid next to nothing (he gets paid in office supplies which he steals). I (Bad Ideas for this sentence only) would like to give you the link to his first article but it would only lead to ridicule and loss of minions which we cannot afford at a point this close to world domination.

This is a lame-ass album review that will hopefully get printed next week. I'm sure none of our 4 readers are accustomed to seeing me write without swearing like a drunken Irishman so this will come as a shock.

Rise Against's Endgame

If there’s one thing that Rise Against is good at, it’s being perpetually vehemently pissed off. You’d think with a growing fanbase and selling tens of thousands of albums they would have some happiness in their lives, but no. They always find something to complain about. That’s also why this writer can relate to them.

In their new album, the ominously named “Endgame”, vocalist Tim McIlrath describes himself as an “orphan of the American dream”. Melodramatic much?

There are two types of Punk music out there nowadays. The first which rebels against the system and the second which is basically regular pop songs sung at twice the speed. Rise Against’s new album is a bit of both. From the minute the loud guitar riffs of “Architects” welcome you to the album; it sort of sparks a rebellious flame inside.

Rise Against’s sound has evolved in this album. To old fans this will sound a bit alien. It’s a much lighter sound than the grittiness that their previous albums such as “The Sufferer and The Witness” accustomed us to. There are some clear grunge influences (such as in the song “Midnight Hands”). It takes a little getting used to.

Rise Against’s niche is singing songs that have messages. They do their best to highlight the problems that plague the world. From questioning why a soldier had to die in “Survivor’s Guilt” to inspiring an uprising on “A Gentlemen’s Coup” to showing us the lower class angst on “Disparity by Design”, the combination of McIlrath’s intensity and the blaring guitar riff driven music send a thoughtful shot of adrenaline into your system.

The stand out point for me though, is the brilliant “Make It Stop (September’s Children)”; a song taking aim at bullying and a plea to stop before more children end their lives through frustration and violence. “And too much blood has flowed from the wrists; of the children shamed for those they chose to kiss”

There are flaws in the album. For example : when the customary half-way slow-down in the song “Architects” arrives, it sounds like McIlrath is trying to win back his girlfriend rather then send a true message. Since punk is sung at twice the speed of other songs, some of the songs such as “Wait for Me” overstay their welcome.

“Endgame” is a rarity. It is an intelligent album. Something the music industry needs more of. It has a solid message for all willing to listen. It’s a very good album. The only thing missing though, is that little magic spark. That little magic spark which turns a good album into a great album, an album that will stand the test of time. But it’s still a very good album.

Final rating: 8/10

We apologize for the incredibly lame post. Exams still aren't over. Once we're back we'll get back to making what people voted for happen. New writers and Places That Suck are a few things to look forward to next month.

Till then,

That Guy and minimum unwanted interference from Bad Ideas

Oh, and don't forget to vote on the next poll or inbred American redneck will flame your ass.