Wednesday, 22 June 2011

The Devil Spawn

We have been holding polls regularly since That Guy figured out how to use the gadget, here are the results of the most recent one, 'What sucks the most?' which received 37 votes in total. The idea behind it was to create a new scheme for rating our posts but almost nothing went as planned so we have to rethink.
  • Paris Hilton (19 votes, highest) as predicted. This candidate needs no snide remark to accompany her, mainly because I can't think of any.
  • A Nun with Gingivitis (10 votes). No, no-one was supposed to vote on this, who would want to get sucked by a nun with gingivitis? That would arguably be as dangerous as getting blown by Paris Hilton. Plus nuns don't get to suck that much.
  • Your Boss (4 votes). He/she was supposed to get second highest but the outcome is understandable since most of our readers are probably bums.
  • I is illiterate but pretty scribbles are pretty (14 votes, second highest). This one was the non-serious answer for people who do not give two shits about this poll and wanted to answer cutely. But maybe they were serious, it fits with my hypothesis of our readers being bums.

Babies shit their pants easy and even then it takes us a long time to come up with shit to throw at our readers. Refusal to return to the scene of the poop means we do not come up with many series posts sequels. Yeah, you kind of knew that, we hate babies for several other REAL reasons.

Babies are loud and annoying. They cry and bawl on planes, trains and automobiles. Even in a fucking restaurant. A restaurant where all the waiters are snooty and have fancy entertaining moustaches and serve fancy foods like "fillet mignon au jus" or "cocaine ala meatballs" (stolen from Jon Stewart. Funniest Jew of all time.). Plane babies are the worst because you have no path of escape. You are confined to your cabin until the bathroom becomes free so you can escape to feel the sweet release of claustrophobia.


When a new infant enters the family, initially you're excited that you'll have a slave to teach your devious ways of parent manipulation. That is until you see the new baby steal your parents away with great use of cuteness. Your parents give it relentless attention. Since attention cannot be given to two things at once, you become deprived. This leads you to grow up to become awkward sociopath who indulges in drugs and dismisses "God" to spite his parents. Its all the baby's fault. Kill it while it can't fight back. Krusty the Clown recommends rat poison or your grandmother's feet to the ear while they're asleep.


Babies are completely useless. What are they good for? They can't do my homework, my chores, beat up people I don't like, get me a discount on weed. They can't partake in intelligent conversation. Hell, they can't even speak your lingo. They want YOU to learn their idiotic primitive language of drooling. How dare they? How dare they expect you to compromise?

China has limited the number of babies there people can have. If the Chinese do it, you know its a good idea. They are our future rulers after all. And besides, the babies voted against Mao Tse Tung.

Now as our 4 readers know, we make fun of other people's stupidity to make you believe we are more intelligent than the average person. That is true but not a great feat as the average person is a dumbass with an I.Q of around 15. But our readers are of course dumber than us for reading our shit, meaning we have not hit rock bottom.


So yeah, you probably know that we are gonna make fun of how babies are stupid to make ourselves feel better. But its true, research has shown 10 out of 10 babies do not give a shit about global warming and 9 out of those 10 babies grow up to be an unproductive member of a future society. 2 out of those 10 babies already have mortgages and drinking problems while still in the womb.


We are now giving away free advice, so please tell us your problems and if you have any questions The Great Librarian is willing to answer. So as a final word we offer you this advice. Always wear a condom. But you probably won't heed our advice. Nobody ever does. That's why the world is so fucked.

16 comments:

  1. I will never wear a condom.Your advice is funny :)

    You wish babies were stupid. lmao

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  2. Why would I wish for something that is already true?

    Make sure the dude wears one unless you want to be a pregnant 12 year old or crave an STD. But meh, some people are into that shit I'm told.

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  3. I'd already decided to never have babies, this post just reinforced that decision.

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  4. Being an evolutionary dead-end is the best thing you can do to aid humanity.

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  5. hahahahahahaha, ouch, aahhahaha

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  6. you are such a pathetic blogger!

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  7. @That guy and Bad Ideas, thank you for making an ass out of me. It's much appreciated.

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  8. Its me must have children. Thank you for aiding in the destruction of the human race and more importantly, annoying us.

    Nicole, its the one thing we do...somewhat okay. We couldn't resist. Wait, he just laughed. Why does he get credit for making an ass out of you?

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  9. Too funny.

    I am coming to India in december and one of the 'people' on our party is a one year old. I may look you up and seek advice so that I at least do not have to endure it on the flight home.

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  10. Is the baby white? If it is, make up some mumbo jumbo story about it being a god reincarnate. India is big on that stuff.

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  11. Its not a mandatory rule to have children but human beings are endowed with emotion and reason and people who are at ease in striking a balance between these two attributes will never write a nonsensical stuff like what you have done.Persons with heart in their right place would surely dream of kids of their own.

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  12. Scroll to the top of this page and if you are able then read the first sentence. It reads "This is a page filled with complete nonsense." Now for a below-the-belt remark - your English is horrible. Emotion and reason do not always exert different feelings about every given theme, for example, EMOTION says I hate babies, REASON says that's a good reason not to have any. People reason differently, thus the ongoing wars in the Middle East and every minor to major argument that has taken part in history.

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  13. shit!i didn't read it the top part.sorry for the upheaval.hope YOUR EMOTION AND REASON are compliant.My english!i know i don't comment much i am actually ashamed of MY ENGLISH.

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  14. The fact of the matter, its me, is that not everyone will think the same way. People will have different opinions and views to everything. If you want or have kids, that's good for you. I don't want kids.

    And by the way, another below the belt remark, capitalize the first letter of a new sentence. It helps.

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