Wednesday, 27 July 2011
Gay Twins. Deal With It.
[This post was supposed to be published three weeks ago. Therefore, a lot of it is backdated. Like the topic which no one cares about any more.]
You don't care about this, I assure you. Now deal with it.
Did you know the state of New York recently legalized gay marriage? We didn't. That is until a Fagbook (now isn't that a coincidentally amusing piece of wordplay that I just noticed) question/survey thing questioning one's view on the matter. Over 20,000 people thought it was an outrageous act against nature much like the theory of evolution. We usually wouldn't care about what happens where because it has no effect on us whatsoever, however this is probably a bad example as this shapes the society we live in either by granting freedom for same sex couples to confuse heartburn with love or by sanctioning ruthless witch hunts.
A better not entire fictional example would be :
Mr. McPerson of What Zealand cut off his own finger and ate it due to depression. This is a rare act of self-cannibalism which occurs once every 154 years when the planets are aligned. He has this to say for himself "Tastes better than my ex-wife's cooking."
Yeah that isn't what this post is about at all. It's about introducing our evil gay not-wholly-opposite twins. We got a hand written letter *cough* hipsters *cough* from them. Here it is :
Happy Gay Street #69, Flat 3D
MAN-hattan, New York City, USA
Dear Pitiful Deluded "Writers",
How are you? Don't hurt yourself trying to answer that. We have been living a nice gay life since the new laws have been passed and we can snog in public. We can enjoy penis-cookies without fear of lynching. Those aren't cookies for the penis you stupid heterosexuals, just shaped erotically to get your mouth watering. I would recommend them to you since neither of you dumb-shits can cook. But vagina cookies would probably be more to your taste, though they would be all leaf-shaped. How is that in any way appealing to you? Leaf fucking queers.
And OH-MY-GAWD my most favourite song ever just came on the radio. This song once got stuck in my head for 3 straight gay-hours. In case you are wondering what gay hours are, they're like regular hours but better in every possible way. So the song is Careless Whisper and it gets my man cave soooo HOT! WHAM! are inspirations. Not that you two would know good music if it bit you in your happy stick. I couldn't help but slow dance with Frank. This Guy couldn't hold it in and is already in the turquoise room of love with Andre.
Well, as much as I would love to torture you two some more with how our lives are so much better than your sad, pathetic ones but I will show restraint. Now to the real announcement. We're getting married. Me and This Guy have been dating Frank and Andre for more than a month now and it is the logical next step now that it's legal and those pompous conservative types (read : Republicans) can't do diddly-squat about it.
Oh the wedding will be FABULOUS!!! It'll have flowers flown in from South East Asia which is better than South Asia where you two losers are still stuck. My suit will be Magenta and This Guy's will be Nadeshiko Pink. Frank and Andre are wearing matching Mauve suits. Oh I'm gushing.
[ That Guy interrupting. Since they're gay, the wedding description went on for about another 3000 words. We're too lazy to type it all out here. Deal with it.]
Now then, you two are our evil-twins so regretfully we have to invite you. According to the Distant Relatives Article 58 of the Supercalifragilicious Gay Code, we have to invite all family members including but not limited to disapproving ones, third cousins, creepy uncles who live in the attic, evil twins and long lost little sisters. So, you're invited. Deal with it.
We've sent some pictures of us to rub in your face how happy we are that we aren't you and that we're gay. We're gay to be gay (L-O-L). Get it? Of course you didn't.
With much indifference,
P.S This Guy says we aren't paying for a hotel here if you two bozos decide to show up. Again, deal with it.
Normally we would reply with appropriate swearing and fury but we're not in the mood. I'm lazy and That Guy has....well I'm not sure what he's got going on. Meh. Here are the pictures. Deal with it.
Us Slow dancing to Careless Whisper
This Guy getting a massage from Andre in the Turquoise room of love. Turquoise is the real colour of love, not pink like the card companies want you to believe.
Watching Julia Robert's Pretty Woman and O-M-G she is soooo misunderstood. Richard Gere, tell he how you feel!!!
We share cake. This must be agonising for you to see.
This is a spa belt. We wear it to fit the relaxation of cheap spas into our stressful working lives.
Bad Ideas (because That Guy can't bear to see the cake being shared.)