Saturday, 17 September 2011

The One Month minus Four Days late post, maybe you would have more respect for me if I didn't put it up

The apparition climbed onto his back and whispered ‘GAME OVER’. He thought he heard a short 16-bit tune accompanying those words. The effect of the overdose was more severe than he was willing to settle for. All his senses were blocked by the mystery mix injected into his veins. He had been roughed up before, this time was a bit worse, he was left for dead in the local dumpster with the discretion an armed goon affords. The phantasm displayed a random range of colors before his unfocused eyes. The unwelcome hues slowly assembled into a long abandoned memory.

A sickly child teetered out of the sandbox following her friend. In the grey backdrop a newly constructed building stood crooked. In the distance, ants that looked like children made their way to the building. “Nick! Wait for me!” The boy called Nick turned to reply. “Hurry up; you’ll make us late for lunch!”

“You know I get tired easily.” Nick did not reply, instead he waited for her and then returned indoors with her at her pace. At the door Father Connelly greeted them. “Children, come along inside, he food will get cold.” His warm smile made their lives that little bit more bearable. And so they ate, in a room with a long table and many other children like them. The food was unappealing, spinach with spaghetti. “Ugh, I don’t want to eat this, hey, Angela, I’m gonna put this food under the table look that no one’s watching.”

“Nick! No! You always do something like this and get into trouble.”

“Don’t worry.” He assured Angela and, with what might be considered finesse to an 8-year old, emptied his plate to a neutral area on the floor. Once the children were done with lunch they were herded to the playroom indoors by towering nuns clad in black.

A rugged man scoured the dark, narrow alleyway, pushing a broken trolley loaded with recyclable garbage and cheap liquor. He stopped by each rusty silver bucket for search of treasure or less. Nearing a dead end, he paused to have another swig of unlabeled thirst-quenching poison. A half-hearted thump echoed from the large container beside him. A clearly drugged man emerged only to crash to the ground face first. After some time the failed corpse half-crawled, half-stumbled its way towards the street muttering something about ‘Angela’. Downing another mouthful the scavenger disdainfully muttered, “Bums.”

Not too far off, wisps of sewer steam collected to form a vague figure with a familiar aura. The apparition wrapped itself around a dying man’s neck and spoke, “Just watch. Don’t do anything.” And as though it had just said the funniest thing, the apparition laughed. “Ha-ha-ha.

When he came to, the cruel mocking laughter hadn’t stopped. “Ha-ha-ha.” It dawned on him that the source of his annoyance was the co-incidental rhythm of the steam making its way around in the rusty pipes. He was only alive now because the greedy underling had injected him with the impure product which they sold rather than the wholesome heroin they kept for themselves. Just how much of this was a hallucination? “Angela,” he sighed and the pipes once again reverberated, “Ha-ha-ha.”


[Okay, I have no excuse so if you're pissed swear at me on our lonely Fagbook page]

Thursday, 25 August 2011

Not-So-Essential Crowpoop: Sanity

[This story is vague to say the least. It's definitely not like anything I've written on the blog before. It's not funny. It just is. With that being said, perhaps my 4 readers, you shall be able to deal with such change and vote for my story on the poll to decide the contest. The poll shall accompany Bad Ideas' story. Also, like the damn Facebook page.]

Imagine a place. Make it a nice place; a small town preferably. Now, destroy it. Pillage it, plunder it. Annihilate, obliterate and devastate. Leave nothing unscathed. Demolish the ruins. Kill whoever the plague did not claim. Do not discriminate, racism and sexism is wrong. Women, children, elderly, set them on fire and watch them burn. Have you done it? Good. This is where I am. My name is Crow Poop. Does that make you laugh? It should. This is what the world has become. See it through my eyes.

Humanity has imploded. No, you cannot call it humanity anymore, not when humans act like dogs fighting on the streets, frothing at the mouths. And to think, just a year ago, I was happy. She was alive. And now, I have her blood on my hands. Haha. I can’t particularly complain though. Her cooking was terrible. Maybe the plague wasn’t so bad. No, no, shouldn’t laugh.

Contrary to what you may think after reading thus far, the plague isn’t what’s killing us. No. The plague has passed. It claimed a few billion, yes. But no, what’s killing us, is us. When the plague swept through, the leaders of the planet died. Countries dissolved. Nobody could operate on a scale larger than a city. In the end, it was just a bunch of survivors scrambling together to stay alive. And in one year, what has become of globalisation? Huh? Nobody much cares for economic recession anymore.

This town was taken over. They came. They had firearms that we were no match for. They came, and they conquered. They put the elderly to labour, they raped our women. Another reason I’m happy I killed her when I did. Put her out of her misery. She wouldn’t have liked what the world has become. Haha. I’m sorry. It was jus- just a funny way to die. You see, she came charging at me and I- you know what, forget it. It doesn’t matter. She’s dead. She’s rotting somewhere, her flesh now food for rats.

I like rats. Cute little creatures. And they squeak just before they die, if you squeeze them hard enough. And now, in this destroyed wasteland community, rats are fine dining. Skewer one and roast it on a fire. Delicious.

The battle for this town, if you can call it that, lasted all of one hour. Probably would’ve been over quicker if our “brave” defenders didn’t hide and cower like little children. They, the conquerors, didn’t have to do much. They just stood there, their guns at the ready. And almost as if reading their minds, our men with all their superior intellect charged at them, screaming something about freedom or liberty or some similar fictional concept they still thought they had. That is before they were shot to ribbons. Morons. Haha. No, I apologize. Death is not something to joke about. It’s merely the punch-line to the greatest joke of all.

You would think that with civilization nearly dissolved, religion would be irrelevant. You’d think people would stop bothering to go to listen to an old man preach random bullshit every Sunday, that they would stop bothering to bend over 5 times a day. You’d think they’d stop believing that an imaginary man in the sky will grant them favour. Idiots. People still pray to Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha and whoever else they think will come down from the heavens with 72 virgins for them. I feel sorry for them. But then I stop. It’s their own choice if they wish to leave their fates up to blind faith in an imaginary deity. Jackasses.

The sun used to represent hope. Now, it’s just a hot ball of gas, beating down on us. The rulers, the colonial masters, they’re comfortably off. They have working air conditioners, they have proper food and they have women to do whatever their sick imaginations concoct. Outside their palaces are the regular people. They live in stifling conditions, those who were once prosperous now enveloped in poverty. Haha. Serves them right. Made their money of bribes and murder, how does it feel now? Living on the streets; a cardboard box all the shelter from acid rain and ultraviolet rays of the sun. Haha. Did I mention they were idiots?

The streets are scattered with corpses and crying infants. Nobody cares for these children. Neither should they. Little snot-nosed mouth-breathers, never liked the beastly little creatures myself. I stand on the roofs of one of the last tall buildings that still stands. The asylum. It’s supposed to keep me locked up and forgotten, but it doesn’t take much to open the doors. Just a small pin would do the trick.

The living, now resembling the walking dead, will look up. They will hail my silhouette, standing between them and the sun, as their saviour. They will cry out for me to bring them salvation. And I will laugh. And I will defecate on them. And I will shatter whatever sliver of hope they still hold on to. And while they lie on the streets, shit oozing down their faces, tears will escape their eyes. And I will laugh. Haha.

The world is hopeless. Society has fallen. Everybody’s lost their minds. They’re quiet, but their minds run riot. Plain fucking loony. They try to pretend they’re alright, but I know better. I know the mental anguish. But I’m strong. I’ve overcome the trauma. I’m the only sane one left. But what is it to be sane in a world that is insane? Has the idea of sanity now been altered as the norm is now to be crazy? Or is it something, one of the only things, that has remained the same after the world ended? Whatever’s happened, I know one thing. I feel fine.

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

Bad Ideas versus That Guy

I am not sure whether the abbreviated from of 'versus' should be capitalized, semi-capitalized or not at all capitalized. This is another poop post I decided to waste my time on while my Futurama episode loads. We have come across a character we cannot really decide (did you know 'dickhead' is one of the suggestions presented by Google when you spell decide incorrectly?) what to do with, so we are each making our own story surrounding this character. This character is CrowPoop, Crow Poop or even Crow-Poop if you will, but most definitely not Crow_Poop.

Both our schools started, I now fear I may not have the luxury of doing nothing anymore. That Guy is in Malaysia now for some reason. The story is about Crow Poop and will hopefully involve black humor. We decided after little debating that black humor is not Dave Chappelle (black comedian) nor is it racist jokes directed at black people. Did you know there is a fetus Pokemon now? Anyways, this is what we decided black humor is. Black humour is basically making fun of stuff we're supposed to be serious about. Like death, rape, murder, child abuse, Jesus, school rules, running with scissors, etc.

Some girl is helping That Guy with his writing and some girl is supposed to be helping me with my writing. Anyway, we post one of our writing on 20th or 21st and the next piece of writing on 24th-ish, so whose writing do you want to see first?


There, the episodes are done buffering. Oh, and last thing, my story will be detective-y and That Guy’s story will be post-apocalyptic; most probably. But don’t hold me to anything I have said. Did I mention its like a competition?

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Gay Twins. Deal With It.

[This post was supposed to be published three weeks ago. Therefore, a lot of it is backdated. Like the topic which no one cares about any more.]

You don't care about this, I assure you. Now deal with it.

Did you know the state of New York recently legalized gay marriage? We didn't. That is until a Fagbook (now isn't that a coincidentally amusing piece of wordplay that I just noticed) question/survey thing questioning one's view on the matter. Over 20,000 people thought it was an outrageous act against nature much like the theory of evolution. We usually wouldn't care about what happens where because it has no effect on us whatsoever, however this is probably a bad example as this shapes the society we live in either by granting freedom for same sex couples to confuse heartburn with love or by sanctioning ruthless witch hunts.

A better not entire fictional example would be :

Mr. McPerson of What Zealand cut off his own finger and ate it due to depression. This is a rare act of self-cannibalism which occurs once every 154 years when the planets are aligned. He has this to say for himself "Tastes better than my ex-wife's cooking."

Yeah that isn't what this post is about at all. It's about introducing our evil gay not-wholly-opposite twins. We got a hand written letter *cough* hipsters *cough* from them. Here it is :

Happy Gay Street #69, Flat 3D
MAN-hattan, New York City, USA

Dear Pitiful Deluded "Writers",

How are you? Don't hurt yourself trying to answer that. We have been living a nice gay life since the new laws have been passed and we can snog in public. We can enjoy penis-cookies without fear of lynching. Those aren't cookies for the penis you stupid heterosexuals, just shaped erotically to get your mouth watering. I would recommend them to you since neither of you dumb-shits can cook. But vagina cookies would probably be more to your taste, though they would be all leaf-shaped. How is that in any way appealing to you? Leaf fucking queers.

And OH-MY-GAWD my most favourite song ever just came on the radio. This song once got stuck in my head for 3 straight gay-hours. In case you are wondering what gay hours are, they're like regular hours but better in every possible way. So the song is Careless Whisper and it gets my man cave soooo HOT! WHAM! are inspirations. Not that you two would know good music if it bit you in your happy stick. I couldn't help but slow dance with Frank. This Guy couldn't hold it in and is already in the turquoise room of love with Andre.

Well, as much as I would love to torture you two some more with how our lives are so much better than your sad, pathetic ones but I will show restraint. Now to the real announcement. We're getting married. Me and This Guy have been dating Frank and Andre for more than a month now and it is the logical next step now that it's legal and those pompous conservative types (read : Republicans) can't do diddly-squat about it.

Oh the wedding will be FABULOUS!!! It'll have flowers flown in from South East Asia which is better than South Asia where you two losers are still stuck. My suit will be Magenta and This Guy's will be Nadeshiko Pink. Frank and Andre are wearing matching Mauve suits. Oh I'm gushing.

[ That Guy interrupting. Since they're gay, the wedding description went on for about another 3000 words. We're too lazy to type it all out here. Deal with it.]

Now then, you two are our evil-twins so regretfully we have to invite you. According to the Distant Relatives Article 58 of the Supercalifragilicious Gay Code, we have to invite all family members including but not limited to disapproving ones, third cousins, creepy uncles who live in the attic, evil twins and long lost little sisters. So, you're invited. Deal with it.

We've sent some pictures of us to rub in your face how happy we are that we aren't you and that we're gay. We're gay to be gay (L-O-L). Get it? Of course you didn't.

With much indifference,
Good Ideas

P.S This Guy says we aren't paying for a hotel here if you two bozos decide to show up. Again, deal with it.

***

Normally we would reply with appropriate swearing and fury but we're not in the mood. I'm lazy and That Guy has....well I'm not sure what he's got going on. Meh. Here are the pictures. Deal with it.
Us Slow dancing to Careless Whisper
This Guy getting a massage from Andre in the Turquoise room of love. Turquoise is the real colour of love, not pink like the card companies want you to believe.
Watching Julia Robert's Pretty Woman and O-M-G she is soooo misunderstood. Richard Gere, tell he how you feel!!!
We share cake. This must be agonising for you to see.
This is a spa belt. We wear it to fit the relaxation of cheap spas into our stressful working lives.

Bad Ideas (because That Guy can't bear to see the cake being shared.)

Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Bad Ideas' Good Idea Wasted.

Its 6:30 in the morning. I'm tired. I'll make this brief. Sorry, loyal 4 readers for not posting in about a month. I assure you that it wasn't my (That Guy) fault. It was all Bad Ideas' fault. Yes.

About four days after our last post, The Devil Spawn, we came up with an idea to make a post about our gay, evil twins who live in New York getting married (an idea that has made you chuckle just at the mention of it) and we were going to call them This Guy and Good Ideas. And well, I've decided it took too long and that I wouldn't upload it any more. The writing has been done for about two weeks but Bad Ideas has been dragging his feet on drawing the pictures for this and well it's taken too long.

So, in a desperate attempt to increase the appalling number of pageviews the blog has received over the last month, I'm write this abomination of a post. It's a 2 minute poop post. With our enthusiasm, I don't understand why there aren't more of these in the blog.

Since I have nothing to talk about, I might as well talk about what I've been up to over the last month or so. I've been up to nothing. Were you expecting more?

With a population that's bursting at the seams and the majority of the urban inhabitants deeming education a necessity, there are a massive number of educational institutions in Dhaka. Most of them rubbish. What am I saying? All of them are guttershit. And I wonder why this country is as dumb as Ash Ketchum from Pokemon.
Wait as much as I would love to yap on about the dismal state of third world schooling and how it affects me, I'm lazy and don't feel like talking about a 'serious' topic like that right now. I'll reserve it for Contemplating the Problems of a Third World Hellhole Part 2...if I ever get around to it.

And I feel weird not having more than one picture in this post so....here's a lolcat.
That Guy