The Devil Spawn

We have been holding polls regularly since That Guy figured out how to use the gadget, here are the results of the most recent one, 'What sucks the most?' which received 37 votes in total. The idea behind it was to create a new scheme for rating our posts but almost nothing went as planned so we have to rethink.

• Paris Hilton (19 votes, highest) as predicted. This candidate needs no snide remark to accompany her, mainly because I can't think of any.
• A Nun with Gingivitis (10 votes). No, no-one was supposed to vote on this, who would want to get sucked by a nun with gingivitis? That would arguably be as dangerous as getting blown by Paris Hilton. Plus nuns don't get to suck that much.
• Your Boss (4 votes). He/she was supposed to get second highest but the outcome is understandable since most of our readers are probably bums.
• I is illiterate but pretty scribbles are pretty (14 votes, second highest). This one was the non-serious answer for people who do not give two shits about this poll and wanted to answer cutely. But maybe they were serious, it fits with my hypothesis of our readers being bums.

Babies shit their pants easy and even then it takes us a long time to come up with shit to throw at our readers. Refusal to return to the scene of the poop means we do not come up with many series posts sequels. Yeah, you kind of knew that, we hate babies for several other REAL reasons.

Babies are loud and annoying. They cry and bawl on planes, trains and automobiles. Even in a fucking restaurant. A restaurant where all the waiters are snooty and have fancy entertaining moustaches and serve fancy foods like "fillet mignon au jus" or "cocaine ala meatballs" (stolen from Jon Stewart. Funniest Jew of all time.). Plane babies are the worst because you have no path of escape. You are confined to your cabin until the bathroom becomes free so you can escape to feel the sweet release of claustrophobia.

When a new infant enters the family, initially you're excited that you'll have a slave to teach your devious ways of parent manipulation. That is until you see the new baby steal your parents away with great use of cuteness. Your parents give it relentless attention. Since attention cannot be given to two things at once, you become deprived. This leads you to grow up to become awkward sociopath who indulges in drugs and dismisses "God" to spite his parents. Its all the baby's fault. Kill it while it can't fight back. Krusty the Clown recommends rat poison or your grandmother's feet to the ear while they're asleep.

Babies are completely useless. What are they good for? They can't do my homework, my chores, beat up people I don't like, get me a discount on weed. They can't partake in intelligent conversation. Hell, they can't even speak your lingo. They want YOU to learn their idiotic primitive language of drooling. How dare they? How dare they expect you to compromise?

China has limited the number of babies there people can have. If the Chinese do it, you know its a good idea. They are our future rulers after all. And besides, the babies voted against Mao Tse Tung.

Now as our 4 readers know, we make fun of other people's stupidity to make you believe we are more intelligent than the average person. That is true but not a great feat as the average person is a dumbass with an I.Q of around 15. But our readers are of course dumber than us for reading our shit, meaning we have not hit rock bottom.

So yeah, you probably know that we are gonna make fun of how babies are stupid to make ourselves feel better. But its true, research has shown 10 out of 10 babies do not give a shit about global warming and 9 out of those 10 babies grow up to be an unproductive member of a future society. 2 out of those 10 babies already have mortgages and drinking problems while still in the womb.

We are now giving away free advice, so please tell us your problems and if you have any questions The Great Librarian is willing to answer. So as a final word we offer you this advice. Always wear a condom. But you probably won't heed our advice. Nobody ever does. That's why the world is so fucked.

Places That Suck Part 1

Due to poverty, cost of milk and shitstorms all over the world, That Guy and Bad Ideas have brought to you a list of places they really would not want to live. Considering we already live in third world hellholes these places must suck harder than Paris Hilton, which they do. This post brings to you two places we would not want to live in even if somebody moved a lesbian cloud over there ( literally a cloud made of girls who do things to each other ).

Pirates...are cool. I'm talking about the eccentric, swashbuckling types in Pirates of The Caribbean.The more recent piracy is of the internet kind. And a nutless monkey can do that. But what of the trouble on the high seas? Well, only one country is trying to keep up that tradition of capturing rich people, then giving them back for ransom while on boats. But even then it lacks the finesse it used to possess. Of course we are talking about Somalia.

Somalia is quite possibly the worst place on earth. Even worse than East Croydon. Some would say its too easy a target. But we're assholes so we'll kick them while they're down. Somalia is such a lawless crapshack , that it makes Bangladesh look like a part of Scandinavia but less boring with less albinos.

We are lazy bloggers so while we aren't sure we can safely assume that Somalia, being an African nation, has a lack of water as all these 'charitable' organisations keep reminding us that there is not enough water in Africa. Read the previous sentence again after substituting the word 'water' with 'food' and 'safety'. Enough reasons yet? If not then let me inform you that Somalia is a god fearing Muslim nation with not a single KFC outlet.

Do you know what a "baguette" is? Well, you probably do or you're googling it now to find out. The next place we would not want to live is a land whose name strikes fear into the hearts of homophobes all over the world. No not San Francisco, we are obviously talking about France. Lets face it, nobody likes France (I believe this sentiment started with the British but i am not sure when). Sure some people like visiting and looking at their fancy art galleries and their ninja free streets, but seriously, who would want to live in a country run by a midget? I mean, small people are mean.

Now to tackle the more sinister side of France. The side which haunts every tourist like memories of childhood abuse haunt altar boys. Can you guess what it is? Heres a hint, "I wear black & white striped clothes and white make up, also I am mute so I relay messages by wild gesticulations which has now turned into my profession." For those who still do not know who I am, I laugh at you in silence.

Silent laughter hurts. Obviously, there is no way in hell these were the only two place we would hate living. And we do so love series posts. It gives a sense of suspense. Comment below for where you would not want to live. The cat desires your comments. Please don't disappoint it. (Apologies for the cat picture being small. My picture editing skills are shit.)